By Alex Schwartzburg
Opens 2001 a space oddessy
Margo Robbie allusion to foot fetish dominatrix bull shit
All to say that this is full of shit
Life is as simple as waking up and waving to your friends
Another foot shot
Magic dress glitter
Water slide down to ground level.
Grab your fake cow milk
Good just pops onto the plate
The milk is imaginary
Barbie floats down to her car.
Exposition over the credits
The Barbie president is a black woman.
They’re trying to say something. Not sure what yet.
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Intro Ken.
Another Margot Robbie foot shot
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Alan is unique. And therefore seen as a loser due to the failure of society’s imagination.
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DANCE SEQUENCE
They deliberately celebrate a fat Barbie and a wheelchair Barbie. And a black Barbie president front and center.
Barbie brings up death.
She is forced to turn it around by saying she’s dying to dance.
Fake feeling trumps real feeling. The world is fake.
She sends Ken home.
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She wakes up a real girl for once.
Without the optimism of feeling like you can do anything, a perfect life isn’t perfect. Something is clearly askew.
BEACH
Barbie plants her feet on the ground.
She can’t walk.
Society is disgusted by her flat feet AND claims she’s malfunctioning.
She consults Kate McKinnon Barbie, the weirdo, because the weirdo is who we always consult. Freaks know stuff…
McKinnon Barbie offers a red pill blue pill choice in the form of Birkenstocks or stilettos.
Barbie chooses the stiletto, and McKinnon Barbie says no you’re supposed to pick the other one.
McKinnon Barbie having forced the choice sends Barbie to LA to find the girl who’s playing with her.
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Cut to the Barbie land party.
The Kens are talking.
Barbie must leave on this journey on her own. Ken realizes he’s nothing without her and sneaks into the car.
They brave the real world together.
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Real world scene 1
The real world people stare at them.
People ogle and are mean to them.
The whole Ken scene is an omage to Being There. Hence the 2001 a space odyssey theme.
While Ken is busy, being Peter sellers, Barbie is busy rediscovering motherhood and emotional supportiveness.
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Mattel headquarters
The fbi calls Aaron and tells him the Barbie’s escaped
The board of directors assume Barbie escaping into the real world is a nightmare. Though, their entire reson detre is to put their brand into the real world.
Barbie is torn to shreds by the girls who played with her’s daughter.
#### Gerwig is trying to humanize “the fascists”
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Board room scene with Barbie present
Corporate power tries to defend itself as non-fascist
Barbie runs away
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A woman who looks like Lannie makes Barbie a cup of tea.
Barbie has trouble drinking it.
She asks if she looks weird, because she doesn’t know how to drink tea.
Ruth tells her she looks just right.
Our elders teach us how to accept reality so we can become comfortable in our own skin.
The mother of the girl who legates Barbie rescues her.
We discover the woman was playing with the Barbie’s because her daughter doesn’t play with her anymore.
This is the rift in the space time continuum.
The little girl believes “everyone hates women. Men hate women and women hate women it’s the one thing we can all agree on.”
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The dad of the little girl is a kid who looks like Theo. He’s teaching himself Spanish in DuoLingo.
Cue montage sequence of Barbie imagination land as stereotypical Barbie brings the Latina mother daughter duo to Barbie land.
She says one insightful thing “Basically everything men do in your land, women do in Barbie land.”
This is a mirror image of the movie’s dialectical stance which is that Barbie is a way to make women feel like shit by telling them the lie that any girl can and should be able to do literally anything, and any failure to do so is a problem with you, the girl playing with it.
=•===
The board members are trying to skate to the beach.
Return to Barbie land.
Ken has taken over. Introducing patriarchy into Barbie land.
### They made him Andrew Tate.
Ken dumps Barbie. Tossing all of her shit out of her house.
Instead of Stacy obsessed Barbie’s, and aspirational Chads, the world is full of patriarchal Andrew-Tate-like Ken obsessed incels.
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I stepped out to pee.
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Return to the theatre.
The Latina mother daughter couple drive back to the real world in Barbie’s car.
Alan snuck into the back seat like Ken did.
Alan kicks ass. So they can escape.
But then they go back to rescue Barbie.
Either you’re brainwashed or you’re weird and ugly. There is no in between.
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They deprogram the barbies by having Latina woman explain what’s what to them.
Barbie goes back to Ken and asks him to take her as his long distance gf. Ken shouts sublime then plays it cool.
Then all the Barbie’s play all the Kens egos. To distract them from their coup.
Which is of course what the Russians or Chinese did to us.
The kens homogenize into henchmen but fight with each other. Because they got hurt.
One Ken emerges as the crown Ken in a fur coat. Perhaps an omage to actual pimping.
Meanwhile the women showed up for democracy to preserve Barbie land as Barbie land.
The Kens return like Monty Python and the holy grail. On imaginary horses.
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End credits sequence
Instagram turned everyone into Barbies
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